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Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids | Meghan Daum
One of the main topics of cultural conversation during the last decade was the supposed "fertility crisis," and whether modern women could figure out a way to way to have it all-a successful, demanding career and the required 2.3 children-before their biological clock stopped ticking. Now, however, conversation has turned to whether it's necessary to have it all (see Anne-Marie Slaughter) or, perhaps more controversial, whether children are really a requirement for a fulfilling life. The idea that some women and men prefer not to have children is often met with sharp criticism and incredulity by the public and mainstream media.In this provocative and controversial collection of essays, curated by writer Meghan Daum, thirteen acclaimed female writers explain why they have chosen to eschew motherhood. Contributors include Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider, among others, who will give a unique perspective on the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood.This collection makes a smart and passionate case for why parenthood is not the only path to a happy, productive life, and takes our parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task in the process. In this book, that shadowy faction known as the childless-by-choice comes out into the light. For readers of Brigid Schulte and Debora Spar
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CuriousG
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30 book recommendations in 30 days...

Day 25: As a person who decided by the age of 25 to get my tubes tied and not be a parent, I have heard the choice referenced as all of the things in this title, when in fact it is anything but as it allows me to give more of myself to my students. I didn't connect with all the perspectives in this, but they were all valuable and I think it should be required reading for everyone. #30recsin30days

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CaitlinByTheBook
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Pickpick

Finished this one and really enjoyed it. Good to read from people who chose not to have children for a variety of reasons. I found a few portions of essays pretentious so I gave it 4⭐️

IuliaC I've got it on my list too 😊 4y
SamAnne Stacked. I‘m childless by choice. Child bearing wasn‘t my true path. (edited) 4y
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Twainy
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Pickpick

🎧 So I loved the introduction, it was an awesome summarization. Someone here turned me on to this book, I hope you know who you are. Thank you!

I really enjoyed the multiple points of view from people who chose not to have children. So many honest, funny and true opinions and stories.

⭐️⭐️⭐️5/6

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Megabooks
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Pickpick

This anthology shares 13 women‘s and 3 men‘s experiences of being childfree, and how those people fill any desires they have to nurture. There are doting aunts and uncles, committed teachers, abortions, miscarriages, people who never found the right partner, and people who always knew. There were two stories, one from a historical perspective and one personal, that I connected with most. Highly recommend this #audiobook!! 4.5⭐️

squirrelbrain Sounds like a good read - stacked! 4y
Bookish_B I‘ve had this on my shelf for years! I really must get to it. 4y
Megabooks @squirrelbrain it was! I hope you enjoy it! 4y
Megabooks @Bookish_B 👍🏻👍🏻 4y
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Megabooks
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Finally decided what I want to read after several false starts. Thanks for putting this on my radar @NatalieR

#childfreebychoice

Hooked_on_books It‘s terrific 4y
Cinfhen 🤞🏼🤞🏼 4y
Megabooks @Hooked_on_books it is. I feel like she took a lot of different perspectives. I‘m sort of fascinated by the whole pregnancy thing, but once they‘re born, I enjoy looking at pictures. I‘d generally rather hang out with my friends sans kiddos. Around here where most people have them, I do a lot of lunches, coffees, and walks while the kids are at school. I‘m also the friend you take to look at furniture or cars or other things that adults only. 4y
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Megabooks @Hooked_on_books especially since I also choose to be partner-free that‘s also a bit weird around here. I have one other friend who has never married or lived with anyone, but I wouldn‘t say I‘m you‘re typical 40 year old here! 4y
Megabooks @Cinfhen this book is working out and I‘ve also started the one I‘ll tag, which has been knocking around moves since 2010! 4y
Hooked_on_books I never wanted to be anyone‘s mother. So many people used to tell me, “oh, you‘ll change your mind.” Um, no. It‘s not for me. I still sometimes get odd or sad looks from people about it, which I find bizarre since it was a definite choice. And I agree—I love how she combined people with lots of different reasons for not having kids. It gives the reader a better idea of the breadth of the real circumstance. 4y
Megabooks @Hooked_on_books exactly. That‘s one of the reasons I enjoy anthologies on subjects like this. (Diverse opinion ones.) I have four essays left. For me as well there was no drama around the decision. I made it definitively at 24 and haven‘t ever wavered or been wistful/upset, but it‘s always good to hear others‘ reasons, and for those who feel the need to nurture, how the have fulfilled that desire. 4y
CuriousG I thought this book was amazing- so many different stories/reasons that I appreciated hearing. I'm child-free by choice and can't imagine life any other way. I love all the littles in my life, but glad it isn't my responsibility to actually raise them! 4y
NatalieR Oh yay! From your comments, it seems like you‘re enjoying it. I celebrate you and knowing what you want (or don‘t want) for your life. 🥳 4y
Megabooks @CuriousG exactly!! I respect both decisions, as they are definitely personal, but as my childbearing years come to a close, I am 💯💯 happy with my decision. 4y
Megabooks @NatalieR I did!! I finished it in just over a day. Thank you! It‘s good to look at a range of experiences. 4y
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NatalieR
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Pickpick

16 writers share openly about their intentional decision to be child-free. The authors are predominantly women, which is fine with me; I obviously found them more relatable. IMHO, this topic is still not widely discussed so I appreciate learning about the experiences of others. #MountTBR

MsMelissa It‘s amazing how people judge others for their choosing not to have children. My husband and I experienced similar judgement since we decided to only have one child. It‘s nobody else‘s business. 4y
NatalieR @Book_Fiend_Melissa I totally agree! Judgment is so easy for people to impose on others; it‘s unfortunate. I‘m an only child and have been judged for that throughout my life. 4y
valeriegeary I read this one a couple years ago and really enjoyed it! 4y
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Twainy Just recommended the book to my library ... come on Overdrive!! 😁 4y
NatalieR @valeriegeary Awesome! 😀 4y
NatalieR @Twainy Nice! Keeping my 🤞for you! 😀 4y
Hooked_on_books As a childless by choice person, I loved this book. I also get frustrated by the fact that it‘s found acceptable to ask people why they don‘t have kids, but if you are to ask someone why they do have kids, they get quite offended. Yet it‘s the same question. 4y
NatalieR @Hooked_on_books I agree completely and have had the same experience. Such a double standard. 4y
CuriousG I have read this book several times and always find new little takeaways from it. I'm childless by choice and often feel it is expected that I justify my choice. Seems strange as most times people are not asked to justify the choice to have children 🤔 4y
CuriousG Not to mention the condescending comments about how 'you've never experienced true love until you have a child of your own'. Ugh. 4y
NatalieR @CuriousG Very true! The decision regarding having or not having children is personal and not something anyone needs to justify. In regards to your second comment, I have been told repeatedly that my four-legged kid (dog) is treated better than some people treat their kids. I completely disagree with the ‘true love‘ opinion. 🙄 4y
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keshar
Pickpick

Trying to look my self as in the mirror.....😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

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GivenLemons
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Pickpick

A really interesting collection of essays on choosing to be childless. It must be noted that all the writers were much older than me and are professional writers. I did think that there was a gender divide in the views on family life, with men saying things that women never could.

Elma Just checked this out from the library. I posted a cartoon on my FB earlier this week about choosing to be childless and was actually wondering about hearing from other people. I didn't even think to look for a book on the subject, so thanks for posting.😊 6y
Weaponxgirl @Elma another has chosen not to have children person here, always nice to be able to talk with others about it 😊 this book has been on my radar too, thought you might be interested 6y
Elma @Weaponxgirl Thanks for the book rec. That one looks good too. 6y
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dariazeoli
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I live within walking distance of the park, the library, and the train. Who says you can‘t go far on two feet?

Absolutely beautiful weather today.

#LitsyWalkers

Kaye 💕🌟 6y
LauraJ Me too and 🥰 I love it! 6y
DarcysMom 👍😁 6y
Wife 🌹 6y
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dariazeoli
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It was finally nice out today, so I went for two walks during AM & PM break at work. I‘m #audioreading the tagged book, and some of the essays rub me wrong. Lionel Shriver‘s has me questioning what I heard as seriously problematic, in fact. Will have to go back and relisten.

#LitsyWalkers

Kaye Good job Daria. 2 walks in one day ! Beautiful scenery too. 👍🏼🌟 6y
DarcysMom Yay! Two walks is awesome! 👍😁 6y
Tanisha_A Lovely view! 6y
64 likes3 comments
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julesG
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Thank you @Mitch for organising this retreat. And thank you @scripturient for convincing me to treat myself to this.

I have booked a twin room. If anyone is still thinking about joining us, let me know whether you'd like to share the room and costs. 😉

Sarah83 I am so jealous 😍🤩 6y
Erinsuereads Oh man I agree with @Sarah83 !!! So jealous!! 6y
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TrishB Will have to wait and make my mind up in the New Year - work and home stuff! 6y
MaleficentBookDragon Ohhh...what's this? 6y
Kalalalatja Yay you! 6y
Mitch That‘s brilliant - so excited that you‘re coming xxxxxx 6y
Mitch @MaleficentBookDragon I‘m planning a reading retreat at The Gladstone Library... 3 days of reading and cake! Wanna come? 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 6y
LittleBug Nice!! I‘m jealous🤩 6y
squirrelbrain Yay @julesG ! So glad you‘re coming along too! 📚❤️ 6y
Itchyfeetreader I am super jealous of this - I have a work event tentatively in the diary that I can not get anyone to agree or deny at this point.. 6y
julesG @TrishB @Itchyfeetreader - so far, nobody has taken up my offer of sharing the room. Chances are, the bed will be available for anyone who is going to join us last minute. 6y
TrishB @julesG I‘ll let you know as soon as I do 😘 6y
Lindy The Gladstone Library looks like a wonderful place to spend a weekend. I feel tempted to join you, but I‘ve got a big trip to Japan in March, so I will follow your travels vicariously instead. 6y
Soubhiville I really hope you all decide to make this annual! I‘d do my best to make it next spring! What a wonderful idea! ❤️ 6y
julesG @Soubhiville That is a great idea! 6y
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Mskt6891
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Mskt6891
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Sarz
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Pickpick

As a 30-something woman who has chosen not to have children for the simple reason of "I don't want to", I struggle with the judgement and responses I get from others. So I needed this book to mean something. And it did. I didn't find one story which exactly reflected my thoughts and experiences, but I found I connected with so many of the authors on different points. It won't be for everyone, but it gave me what I needed.

CarolynM I say good for you. Other people's judgements are just that - theirs. 7y
Sarz Thanks @CarolynM 7y
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Mskt6891
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Weekend reading

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Jen2
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Pickpick

Really good!

emmanoble I really enjoyed this one! 7y
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StephanieGeiser
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Amen.

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Augustdana
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Of all the books I picked up at the sale, this might be the one I‘m most excited about. I don‘t think at any point in my life I ever wanted kids, and I don‘t often get to hear from people who share my point of view.

StephanieGeiser I‘m in the same boat as you and was really excited to read this book. It was so refreshing to read about other people who feel or have felt the same way I do! I hope you find it as refreshing as I did. 7y
Augustdana @StephanieGeiser now I‘m even more excited! I‘ve been waiting for a book like this. I was really blown away with all the single ladies, and I hope this book gives me the same feeling 7y
StephanieGeiser @Augustdana All the Single Ladies is already on my tbr list. I like your perspective. I‘m really looking forward to reading it! 7y
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StephanieGeiser
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Pickpick

Finished 4/4/17 - A must-read for anyone deciding whether or not to have kids. It validated a lot of the thoughts I‘ve had over the years in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental, and unbiased way. I never felt like the authors were imploring me to have kids or not. Very well-balanced and informative.

Christine11 Sounds really interesting! 7y
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WhiteDayLilies
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Pickpick

Just finished my second book of the @24in48 #24in48 Readathon. I very much enjoyed this anthology of essays #readharder. The writers were so honest and opened themselves up to the reader, it was kind of humbling. As a woman who‘s made the choice to not have children this collection has given me a lot of food for thought. It‘s inspired me to try and write my own essay on my own decision, and reflect on how it will impact my future. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

keithmalek Great book! 7y
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WhiteDayLilies
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Hour 12 Challenge...first lines! I‘m super pumped about Meghan Daum‘s book #selfishshallowandselfabsorbed. As my fiancé and I have made the decision to not have kids. We‘re often met with disbelief, and patronizing words like “oh you just wait, you‘ll change your mind”. I can‘t wait to read what others feel about this controversial subject. ? @24in48 #24in48 #readathon

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Laughterhp
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The only book on my shelves that has 16 in it. 16 writers! This was a great essay collection, that I truly appreciated! #NovemberByTheNumbers Just found out this post will also work for #NoteworthyNovember !

Hooked_on_books I really liked this book. Lots of good, different perspectives. 7y
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gossamerchild
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Some of my library books that highlight #diversity in different ways, including life choices. Okay, that last one and tagged book might be stretching it a bit, but occasionally I need reassurance that I'm not the only married woman who doesn't want children. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a difficult path to walk down, but it does get lonely.

#anditsaugust @RealLifeReading

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PleasantPhantasm
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#20factsaboutme

♡ 25 years
♡ 2 children under 5
♡ pharmacy technician
♡ I have extremely thick hair
♡ favorite animals are pigs 🐷
♡ Favorite color is red
♡ nail biter 😕
♡ astrological sign is taurus 🐂
♡ I am a happy loner
♡ Cat Person
♡ have been using computers since I was 2 years old
♡ heinz-57 genes
♡ very nerdy
♡ read to escape my surroundings
♡ self-conscious
♡ hum constantly
♡ old soul
♡ xbox gamer
♡ played the violin
♡ rode dirtbikes

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Amandajoy
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Back at it this morning. #24in48 #readathon

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Ashley_Nicoletto
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MoniqueChristine
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Day 2 of #riotgrams is yellow covers! I love yellow books but don't have nearly enough of them :) #bookriot #yellowbooks

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Amandajoy
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Today's #bookmail. Think I was in a mood when I ordered these. 🤔

BookishFeminist These are both excellent! 8y
Hooked_on_books I haven't read the other, but the tagged one is great! I felt it gave a lot of perspectives. It proves that people's assumptions about the choices of others are often wrong. 8y
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Laughterhp
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Pickpick

This essay collection was very thought provoking. It brought a lot of things to light that I never thought of. I'm currently undecided on if I want to have kids or not. My fiancé right now doesn't want kids, so reading this book gave me an idea on how it is to grow old without children. I'm going to be doing a lot of self reflecting.

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Laughterhp
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This paragraph is so relevant to last November, except this time we lost. I typically don't talk politics as I'm not comfortable doing so, but this essay by Pam Houston really hits home.

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Laughterhp
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Day 2 of #Riotgrams I do most of my reading during the week in my office, but on the weekends I read in bed or on my couch! I read wherever I can! (sorry my desk is so messy!)

heidisreads A messy desk means you're getting something done! I'm always a little suspicious of people with completely clean desks! 8y
Laughterhp Oo I like that! That makes sense :) 8y
8 likes2 comments
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Laughterhp
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Watching my fiancé play flag football tonight, which actually means me sitting upstairs reading for an hour while he plays. ??I've had babies on the brain lately and am hoping this book will delay the baby fever. I'm not even married yet, no babies allowed! ?

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ali.g25

"Refusing to act against your sound inclination is a profound ACTION, not simply a reaction to something external. And to claim the benefits that come from advocating for the person you truly are as opposed to the one you think you're supposed to be, you must face your own reality no matter how it feels or what its implications may be. "

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ali.g25

"Things may be marginally different now, but, even if there is something she wants more than children, that is no reason for a woman to remain childless. Any normal woman, it is understood, wants--and should want--both. "

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ali.g25

Been thinking about reading this for awhile now. Let's do it.

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CuriousG
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Yep - just us and our selfish, "easy", child-free life.
Love how this book really explores how different seemingly similar situations actually are.

8little_paws I liked this except for the Lionel Shriver essay 8y
CuriousG @8little_paws - I didn't connect with every single essay either, but overall I felt it was a great collection 8y
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Erin01
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Pickpick

one of my favorite #longtitle reads for both #booktober & #recommendsday.
this is a great collection of essays on the decision not to have kids - it's a necessary read for those who are tired of people commenting that they will "want them someday" & "but who will take care of you when you are old," though I also think those who have/want children can equally gain some new insight and perspective from this book as well ?

mrsh62010 I recently decided, after turning 30, I don't want kids as much as I thought I did. Like... not at all lol. I'd love to check this out! :) 8y
mllemay This one has been on my TBR since it came out. I really want to get to it soon! 8y
Krysta This looks so interesting. I've always wanted kids but that doesn't mean it will be happen. I think reading this might help me fully embrace that. Awesome! 8y
moranadatter Loved this book! A lot of the essays blur together in my mind, but the one that talked about how sex education programs affect us really hit home for me. When people who want to be pregnant tell me they're pregnant, it takes a moment for me to say "Congratulations" because I have been conditioned to think of a pregnancy as a tragedy. Thanks sex ed classes! 8y
angrylilasian I have several friends who are married but don't want to have kids. They feel complete and happy with their lives and isn't that all that matters? I will definitely read and recommend this one. Thanks! 8y
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SarahSaysRead
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Text on covers. The "hidden" text on the cover of Subliminal makes me chuckle.

#booktober #textoncovers

RealLifeReading Couldn't really see it in your photo but went to google it! 😂😂 8y
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Tanner
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Pickpick

I really could have used this book 20 years ago. Some of the essays were a little maddening, but I think that's really a bonus. We would all be better off if we learned about other points of view.

MrBook This one is my on living room coffeetable! 😁😁😁👍🏻 Cute feline 😸. 8y
Tanner @MrBook Thanks! For once he's not sitting on my book or phone (which he loves to do). 8y
MrBook Ditto mine. 😸 8y
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Tanner
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Holy cow, Pam Houston's whole essay. So much of it is what I feel, except better written than what I could ever do.

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Tanner
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"...most of the time I just want people to realize that they're not only breaching my privacy but also putting their flawed assumptions directly in my lap. As bothered as I am by having to defend my decision, I'm more incensed that people think they have the right to ask." Yes!!!

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BookBerries
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Pickpick

Shedding a light on the kid free life
Really wonderful read

BookishFeminist I loved this collection! 9y
CaitlinSiem I'm not much of a non-fiction reader but I think this is something I need to read. 9y
Chelsey I need this book in my life!! 9y
OffTheBeatenShelf.com Yaaaaassss. So getting this book. 9y
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alisahar
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There are so many quotes I relate to in this book. This is just one good one.

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Lea
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Finally starting this. A book written by my people!

keithmalek I just had this article published. @keithmalek1/millions-of-parents-forced-to-dump-their-kids-in-orphanages-due-to-covid-19-school-closings-5b37ca96048d?source=friends_link&sk=9f8ba399fd4df7c74ad947a9ad0ac801" rel="nofollow" target="_top">https://medium.com/@keithmalek1/millions-of-parents-forced-to-dump-their-kids-in... 4y
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