Welcome to Litsy!

I apologize in advance for being flip. Today's chapter is a really hard read and yet all I could think of was my very first pop culture exposure to ECT, the terrifying movie Return to Oz. Somehow a bunch of adults thought that making a movie where Dorothy undergoes shock therapy would be GREAT for kids! Anyway, all this to say, ECT is a horror no matter where you meet it- in a movie theatre age 5 or in a beautiful novel at the age of 17 or 40+.

Ch 12: I feel like hashtags are too disrespectful for this chapter 😢 #letstryanddothisright #immadatmom #ifeellikeshediminishedthesituation #thatnursesucked #sodidthedoctor #thatsallimgonnasayaboutthat #hashtagbrigade

Obviously Esther eventually has a HUGE effing reason to dislike Dr. Gordon, but at first, it's all about the vibes (ok, ok, and a large helping of mental illness). We see her negative symptoms become more intense, neglecting her own self-care and experiencing an uptick in suspicion of people around her. It's a tough chapter made worse by Dr. Gordon's prescription of shock treatment. Hold onto your hats, folks...

Ch 11: this doctor 💥 💥 🤬🤬#anyway #randomsailorstory #didheevenlistentoher #howdoesheexpecthertoimprove #ohyeah 💡 ⚡️ #ugh #readingaboutsuicideisnthelping #dontgetonthebus #atleastnowtherandomstorymakessense #offtochicago #maybe #staytuned #hashtagbrigade

At home, Esther learns she didn't make the summer writing course she applied for. Her mental health is really starting to deteriorate as she both spies on and hides from her neighbours and vacillates rapidly between summer plans (I'll write a novel! No, I'll learn shorthand! No, I'll read Finnegan's Wake!). None of that happens, but she does manage to break up with Buddy and inadvertently wind up with a referral to a psychiatrist. Both wins, tbh.

Ch 10: this was a lot #buckleup #homeagain #didntgetintothesummerclass #nobackupplan #randomstoryaboutaneighborwithsixpointfivekids #nosyblackwidowneighbor #didshereallyeatrawmeat #yikes #letswriteanovel #nevermind #letslearnshorthand #nope #letshaveanexistentialcrisis #letsrethunkourentirecareerpath #atleastsheblewoffbuddy #soproud #offtogetsomemeds #uhoh #referraltoashrink #staytuned #hashtagbrigade

The image I've concocted in my head of Esther throwing her clothes off the rooftop is so concrete and vivid that nothing I can find online even approximates it. But here's an image of two women on the roof of the real Barbizon Hotel so you get a sense of what her view may have been. This chapter is so intense and so profoundly sad, from Hilda's cold indifference to Marco's assault to the clothes floating into the city like "a loved one's ashes".

This is a slow, contemplative novel about a young artist battling with her mental health. I was surprised by all the love in this sad novel. I am glad I read it. 3 🌟

Ch 9: Esther‘s last night in NYC #iwouldbeemotionaltoo #tackypicsforthemagazine #bilegreen 🤮 #doreenwantstoparty #estherwantstopack #ofcoursertheyparty #esthergetsstuckwithawomanhater #sheshouldhavestuckhimwiththatpin 💎 #rightintheeye #ihopeheneverfindsit #ofcoursedoreenisnowheretobefound #estherdumpsallherfrumpyclothes #ilegitthoughtshewasgonnajump 😰 #staytuned #hashtagbrigade

A chapter full of disaster- an awkward, post-Christmas drive to the Adirondacks with Mr. Willard, Buddy making Esther read a terrible poem he wrote, an unwanted marriage proposal, and finally skiing lessons from Buddy *who has never gone skiing himself*?! All leading up to a broken leg on the slopes, and no wonder. Wish Esther had refused to ski full-stop because all of this is nonsense.