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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert | Nan Silver, John Gottman, PhD
14 posts | 25 read | 3 reading | 8 to read
Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality, so Dr. John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage. As a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder and director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, he has studied the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over the course of many years. His findings, and his heavily attended workshops, have already turned around thousands of faltering marriages. This book is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward in their approach, yet profound in their effect, these principles teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work. Gottman helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Being thoughtful about ordinary matters provides spouses with a solid foundation for resolving conflict when it does occur and finding strategies for living with those issues that cannot be resolved. Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr. Gottman's workshops, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the result of Dr. John Gottman's many years of closely observing thousands of marriages. This kind of longitudinal research has never been done before. Based on his findings, he has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage. Maintain a love map. Foster fondness and admiration. Turn toward instead of away. Accept influence. Solve solvable conflicts. Cope with conflicts you can't resolve. Create shared meaning. Dr. Gottman's unique questionnaires and exercises will guide couples on the road to revitalizing their marriage, or making a strong one even better.
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Mccall0113
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Internship reading buddy

Tamra It would be interesting to watch a documentary featuring a largish sample of long term married couples from a variety of backgrounds talk about what they believe makes their marriages work. Husband & I are on #37 this year. 😁 6mo
JamieArc My spouse and I hold the concept of turning towards one another at the center of our marriage. We were introduced to this by Gottman. We love his work. 6mo
dabbe 🖤🐾🖤 6mo
KathyWheeler Our 40th is coming up in August. I think our “secret” is we‘ve also always been friends and genuinely enjoy spending time together. 6mo
Tamra @KathyWheeler friends! 🙌🏾 6mo
38 likes5 comments
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fredthemoose
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Mehso-so

⭐️⭐️💫 Meh. There are a few useful/valuable things in here (like trying to respond positively to your partner‘s “bids” for attention/connection), but a lot seemed pretty self evident (displaying contempt for your partner is bad!). There are a few nods toward other relationships, but it‘s pretty heteronormative and much of it assumes or addresses “traditional“ gender roles. The term “making love” is used a lot, and I cringed every time. 😣

Clare-Dragonfly Oh my goodness. I‘ve heard good things about the Gottmans‘ research but I don‘t know if I could handle reading “making love” that often! 😂 2y
35 likes1 comment
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ImperfectCJ
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Mehso-so

Not bad for self-help. It's longer than it needs to be, maybe a little dated, but I like how Gottman brings it back over and over to seeing marriage as a partnership, a shared life. It seems an obvious point, but it's one that's easy to lose sight of and a good reminder, especially after reading books suggesting that some marriages work best if partners live in separate homes, lead separate lives and come together only when they feel like it.

TiredLibrarian I think some marriages can work best with partners living in separate homes, and not be any less of a partnership for it. Gotta admit to being skeptical of self-help books promoting the One True Way to do something, especially with something as unique as a marriage. 3y
ImperfectCJ @TiredLibrarian I would argue that at some point one would have to reevaluate their definition of "marriage," but even aside from that, I doubt that particular solution would be very helpful for most married couples (like infidelity, a solution also mentioned in the other book). I found Gottman's suggestions more realistic and more in line with my idea of marriage, despite the other flaws I listed. 3y
TiredLibrarian @ImperfectCJ I do love that Litsy is one of the few corners of the Internet where people can respectfully disagree 😊✌🏼💗 3y
ImperfectCJ @TiredLibrarian That's a big part of what makes Litsy my favorite social media site. I love hearing other perspectives and expressing mine knowing that we're all (in general) genuinely interested in the answers, not to troll or to lambaste, but to learn and get to know other viewpoints. 🤗 3y
56 likes4 comments
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TheSpineView
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NaomiO Reading this book right now. Started reading so it can help with being a relationship coach, but I am really enjoying it so much beyond reading it for work. 3y
50 likes2 comments
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beaconhillbooks
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Pickpick

I found this super interesting. Picked up on a whim not because my marriage is on the rocks but I‘m so glad that I did.

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MommyWantsToReadHerBook
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Pickpick

This has been an eye-opening read for me, especially in this particular time in my own marriage. Man, we really are taught nothing about conflict resolution and communication... I highly recommend this book to all who are married or want to be - and preferably read it before you become unhappy in your marriage!

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QuoteQueen
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Pickpick

4.5/5💚s

This book provides 7 principles which help make relationships successful. Based on research, it provides information, assessments, & exercises couples can do at home to strengthen their relationship. However it had limitations as all research does. For a full review, see my blog here:
https://sisulumicounseling.com/2019/04/12/book-review-the-seven-principles-for-m...

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MommyWantsToReadHerBook
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Very true!

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QuoteQueen
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62 pages to go! I may finish it before my next book for a therapist book club arrives in the mail next week!

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MommyWantsToReadHerBook
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I'm already reading so many books but just started this on Kindle and man, is it good. 8% in and he is already disproving all the marriage myths I have ever heard, including the advice we got in pre-marriage counseling. His stuff on Facebook is great if you don't already follow The Gottman Institute.

MommyWantsToReadHerBook @CGKOENS I know you're very happily married but I think you may find this interesting! 6y
Eggbeater Is it at all religious in nature? 6y
MommyWantsToReadHerBook @Eggbeater no, not at all! Religious, non-religious, good communicators, bad communicators - the things that make a marriage work have nothing to do with what most people think! 6y
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Eggbeater @MommyWantsToReadHerBook thanks! It sounds interesting. I will check it out. 6y
PickwickPlockPlock You make it sound so interesting that I bought the ebook 🙂 6y
MommyWantsToReadHerBook @PickwickPlockPlock awesome! I hope you like it, I am really enjoying it. 6y
PickwickPlockPlock @MommyWantsToReadHerBook Yes, I enjoyed it! I have just finished it (with my hay fever bothering me I haven't done anything today but read). 6y
MommyWantsToReadHerBook @PickwickPlockPlock oh wow, you're quick! Hope you feel better soon! 6y
Trashcanman 🤗🤗😊😊😊👁️👁️🤗🤗😊😊😊😊 6y
65 likes4 stack adds10 comments
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Snape_Nerd

I am a marriage and family therapist and this is a definite recommendation for anyone who is married (or even thinking about marriage). I‘m 1/4 of the way through. Gottman can tell with over 90% accuracy if a couple will get divorced (based on scientific research, of course).

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Reader24601
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Next up on my TBR list is a marriage book. My past therapist had it in her office and recommended that I read it when I was dating my now husband. Sad how it's taken me so long to finally sit down to read it from cover to cover. This will be book 3 of the first 4 books of the year, focusing on the theme of Self-improvement. Have my TBR list of 25 books for 2018... but not sure I will read everything in the order that I have set. It is the hope! 🤓

JamieArc Gottman is good stuff. My husband and I only bailed on this because there are a lot of exercises to do and we weren‘t up to it at the time. (edited) 7y
20 likes1 comment
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TheKidUpstairs
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Andrea4 Oh just 7? Well, that's easy!😂😂😂 7y
48 likes1 comment
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Little_Reader
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Pickpick

As I prepare to be married in three weeks, this was a great read. It is not just an advice book, but there are several activities to complete with your spouse to overcome conflict and re-establish roles in a marriage. Whether you've been married 40 years or 5, I would highly recommend taking the time to read this one.